She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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