I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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