im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I touched a dick in church today
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
