yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
