I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
