My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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