Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
