So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
