I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
