he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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