u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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