Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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