i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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