my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
