i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
