remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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