Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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