my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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