I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
