when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
