I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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