If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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