Kiss
Puke
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
