I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we made out on top of his cat.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
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