i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
