she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
