please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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