Plan B is the new Plan A
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
