girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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