Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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