Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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