im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
