ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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