I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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