the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
