My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
