Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
