Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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