i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
