I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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