Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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