I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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