Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
