ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
