I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
