awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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