stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
