did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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