I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
