sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
